A Sunrise of Ashes

A Night-In With A Fan

(A series of live-tweeting with a Merlin fan ...
... there may be spoilers for episode 5.04: Another's Sorrow).

ACTION!

‏@SunriseAshes

That castle sure is pretty. #Merlin @MerlinOfficial

8:21 PM - 27 Oct 12 · Details

‏@SunriseAshes

Dear God, what is Morgana doing dressed up like that? #Merlin @MerlinOfficial

8:23 PM - 27 Oct 12 · Details

‏@SunriseAshes

Woo, Merlin giving orders and Arthur accepting them. What is this? #Merlin @MerlinOfficial

8:25 PM - 27 Oct 12 · Details

‏@SunriseAshes

Morgana's been taking leaves out of Merlin's book. Old leaves. #Merlin @MerlinOfficial

8:25 PM - 27 Oct 12 · Details

‏@SunriseAshes

Talking of, Merlin should spot another fake old crook. He's an expert in the matter. #Merlin @MerlinOfficial

8:26 PM - 27 Oct 12 · Details

‏@SunriseAshes

Crone!Morgana is freaking me out. #Merlin @MerlinOfficial

‏@SunriseAshes

Poor Mithian. #Merlin @MerlinOfficial

8:30 PM - 27 Oct 12 · Details

‏@SunriseAshes

This is what we've been waiting for. A proper moment between Gwen and Arthur. @MerlinOfficial #Merlin

8:32 PM - 27 Oct 12 · Details

‏@SunriseAshes

Yeah, Arthur's homies are sticking up for him! @MerlinOfficial #Merlin

8:33 PM - 27 Oct 12 · Details

‏@SunriseAshes

Nerve-wracking. Be careful Mithian. @MerlinOfficial #Merlin

8:34 PM - 27 Oct 12 · Details

‏@SunriseAshes

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. #Merlin @MerlinOfficial

8:35 PM - 27 Oct 12 · Details

‏@SunriseAshes

Gwen to the rescue! #Merlin @MerlinOfficial

8:35 PM - 27 Oct 12 · Details

‏@SunriseAshes

I wish Arthur would listen to Merlin and Gwen more often. #Merlin @MerlinOfficial

8:37 PM - 27 Oct 12 · Details

‏@SunriseAshes

Merlin has taken on the role of Sherlock. #crossover @MerlinOfficial

8:39 PM - 27 Oct 12 · Details

‏@SunriseAshes

I just had a bad feeling that something might happen to Gaius. Uh-oh. #Merlin @MerlinOfficial

8:39 PM - 27 Oct 12 · Details

‏@SunriseAshes

Oh, we're doing that "if you were in my shoes" moment again. #Merlin @MerlinOfficial

8:40 PM - 27 Oct 12 · Details

‏@SunriseAshes

That feeling about Gaius just got worse. Leave him alone Morgana! #Merlin @MerlinOfficial

8:42 PM - 27 Oct 12 · Details

‏@SunriseAshes

I want Arthur to change his plan last minute to get one over on Morgana. Listen to Merlin! #Merlin @MerlinOfficial

8:43 PM - 27 Oct 12 · Details

‏@SunriseAshes

Oh dear God, Merlin! Do something! Waaah. #Merlin @MerlinOfficial

8:45 PM - 27 Oct 12 · Details

‏@SunriseAshes

OH MY GOD! MERLIN! #Merlin @MerlinOfficial

8:46 PM - 27 Oct 12 · Details

‏@SunriseAshes

Repeat the last tweet. #Merlin @MerlinOfficial

I just saw a post on Tumblr. The basic premise was that the author likes it when people say "this reminded me of you" and it struck a chord with me. I too, enjoy it when a friend or family member buys me something or shows me something that reminded them of myself.

It can be simple, like when my friend bought me a VHS copy of the film Merlin (for obvious reasons). It may be terrible (I haven't gotten round to watching it) but I was touched by the gesture. Actually, I was thrilled. She had seen something related to Merlin, knew I am utterly in love with the BBC series and the original lore, then bought the video (at her own expense) so we could have a laugh at it. Because it reminded her of me.

It happens with music a lot. The first thing people usually learn about me is that I am a massive Linkin Park fan. Have been since I was thirteen-years-old. I support them in every way possible, I have all their studio albums, plus a few live ones. I am a member of LPU and I go to their gigs whenever they hit my shores. I consider them as a defining feature of myself, which is why when friends tell me that a Linkin Park song reminded them of me, I am ecstatic. When my Mum posted me some Chester Bennington (lead singer of Linkin Park) interviews to me while I was at university, I was touched.

Gifts are better when they represent an aspect of your life, no matter how small.

More Beans

I have officially moved into More Beans territory. It's been a long time coming. Over the summer I got an email saying I would be moved from Student Beans to More Beans, now it has actually happened. This basically means that I am no longer a student. I am a graduate. A full-fledged graduate.

To be honest, I thought nothing of this automatic move. I only signed up to Student Beans to get some discounts on food, clothes, day-trips and the like. I didn't bother exploring the site any further than that. Now that I'm on More Beans, I think this site might just save me.

It understands.

I know, what a strange thing to say about a website, but the first thing I noticed in the email was a few advice articles. They jumped out at me mostly because they are so relevant to how I am feeling right now. The articles ranged from how to deal with moving back in with your parents (a really difficult task to do once you've learnt how to live by yourself and without the constant supervision of your parents) and what to do after university ends.

That's the biggest issue I'm confronted with right now.

How do I deal with the black hole left behind now that university has ended?

I need not worry. There's a guide! A handy online pamphlet that is filled with delightful posters that seem to be personally directed at me.

"That was good. Now what?"

I don't know, mystical guidebook. That's the main issue right now. I feel directionless, without a purpose. I don't know how to start on making a career for myself.

"All of a sudden it feels a bit like you're floating in space, a bit directionless."

I said that already. Any other gems?

"Keep going. Have faith."

~~I hadn't thought of that. No, really.~~

Sarcasm aside, it's reassuring to hear that what I'm going through is a perfectly normal process and that other people are probably suffering in the same manner I am. Sometimes it feels like you're the dud, the one person in the world who screwed up and can't get a job, can't settle into life after university properly. It's harder still when you see your coursemates and roommates buzzing around, being successful and achieving all manner of exciting things.

Apparently I don't need to despair.

That won't stop me, but I will focus my mind a little more on resources available to me online.

Here's to More Beans!

The Bane of Job Searching

References.

They have got to be one of the biggest obstacles a jobseeker has to overcome in order to find employment, especially if they have just left school or university and have little or no previous experience in the working world. To even get your foot in the door you need to offer up at least two people who aren't related to you who'll say nice things about you on your behalf. This leaves teachers/lecturers to offer character assurances, which can be especially tricky the longer you are unemployed and out of school/university. In that situation you are dependent upon references from work colleagues or managers.

Except, how do you get these references if you've never worked? And how do you get a job if you don't have references? Enter a paradox, a cruel cycle that sees you looping back around on yourself like some Satanic flow chart. How do you ever get off the starting line if nobody will let you start?

There's volunteering, I guess. Offering yourself up to a charity or an organisation for a month or two until you have that experience you're so lacking and a referee to boot. Sometimes even that's hard, the issue of previous experience and references cropping up in the world of volunteering too. Also, since there are other people in the same boat as you, volunteering can be competitive and fighting for a work experience placement as difficult as landing a paid job. You expend the same amount of effort and reap no rewards, just a "go straight to the starting line" card.

Go to university and get a degree. Wait, you need a degree AND experience. You have experience. Uh-uh, to progress you need a degree. You've got only one reference. No, can't have that. You need TWO, go away and come back when you've got another one.

I'm starting to think that mid-life crises can happen pretty early on in life. Actually, a more accurate term would be existential crisis, a meltdown that adults in their early twenties have to wade through in order to reach their dream destination. Until then, the twenty-somethings have to survive the job market while doubt plagues them and makes them question their worth, life choices and direction.

I know I'm doubting myself.

Misadventures with a Dog

Yesterday a doggy drama unfolded, which also coincided with my parents going away on a day-trip, leaving my sister and I to deal with our wounded pupster. It started out with our little Westie limping and then plain refusing to walk on one of his front paws. This required an appointment with the vet that my sister and I had to oversee.

I am convinced that veterinary doctors are trained in rip-off artistry, because how else can a consultation cost £26? And of course you're going to stump up the costs because you love your pet and will pay whatever the vet tells you do in order to ensure they are comfortable and well. I feel bad for you if your pet actually needs treatment. Apparently bandages can be very expensive. The reasoning remains a mystery.

Matters weren't helped by the fact our vet seemed a little cuckoo. He laughed after after statement, which made the whole situation 100x more creepy than it needed to be. He didn't even laugh heartily. It was a breathy little thing, the kind you get from someone who hasn't socialised with other human beings in, well, ever. The fact that my younger sister and I were in charge of the situation was bad enough, without creepy little laughs and the like.

In the end it turned out that our dog has a wound in his paw, which has been there for a while and has become infected as a consequence. Cue poorly dog that has now become suspicious of our every action, no matter how well meaning.

The best part was when he peed in the middle of the vet's waiting room. He always wees inappropriately whenever we make him endure something he hates, like haircuts. We decided to take him to Pets at Home after his ordeal in order to buy him a treat, except he decided to repeat his inappropriate peeing all over a display of dog beds. We didn't stick around the store after that.

It's always a fun time when you head out into town with a dog.

The Perks of an Obsessive Personality

I have some amazing news to share with you all:

MERLIN RETURNS TO OUR SCREENS ON 6TH OCTOBER 2012!

Yes, fellow Merthur-shippers, our favourite Dragonlord and his bossy king return to our screens next week. Next Saturday. One Saturday (and an emotionally charged episode of Doctor Who) stands between us and a set of thirteen new episodes of Merlin.

I am so excited that words aren't sufficient enough to describe or capture said excitement. I am mute from excitement. I am actually typing this post out with my head. Not really, but I do seriously squeal whenever the trailer comes onto TV. That said, I squeal whenever I go onto the Merlin tag on Tumblr, squeak whenever I see Colin Morgan's face, weep insistently whenever I see Bradley and Colin together, and ship Merthur so hard that I swear my heart is in danger of exploding into a million tiny shards.

Yes, I am an obsessive fan.

I don't do things in halves. I either commit wholly or not at all. I submerge myself into all forms of fiction completely, even if that means taking an emotional battering when my favourites get hurt or die or some other crazy thing happens to them. I choose my television shows, books, films, bands and video games really carefully. Then I become obsessed and committed to these characters 510%.

Yeah, yeah. That doesn't make sense, but then being a fan doesn't either.

Merlin has been in my life a relatively short time, but you wouldn't think it when you hear me talk about it. I've been a fan for less than a year. I know, right? Yet I shipped Merthur almost from the start, fell in love with the cast and characters, loved the look and the stories, and started watching it weekly in diehard fan-mode. For those not in the know, this means watching a show AS IT AIRS not later on catch-up or on Sky+ or the equivalent BECAUSE THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH. I need to know what happened as soon as it is humanly possible to know what happened, which means watching the episode as it airs, then repeatedly watching it, talking about it and blogging about it.

Not in such a crazy manner, mind. I am a controlled obsessive fan who specifically directs my adoration and emotions in a specific place.

When I like a show, I really like a show.

Emotionally-Charged

I have been having a load of emotionally-charged dreams of late. Not surprising when you consider that I have a lot on my mind. What does come as a surprise is that these dreams aren't always made up of negative emotions. I am not only being consumed by negativity and fear, I am also being haunted by thoughts of future happiness, about the things I could come to have:

(a house, a car, a job, holidays, nights out, new friends, opportunities for social outings).

So, every time I sleep, I end up in the throes of heightened feelings. It is startling to be crippled by an emotional tumult in the middle of sleeping, especially ones that come on so strongly. Each night goes a little like this:

I'll be dreaming about something irrelevant, something not memorable in the slightest. I'll know I'm asleep. The next minute the dream flips and changes into something a little more charged. It could be a positive or negative emotion. More often than not its negative. The sadness will feel like a weight on my chest, one that I'm really aware of even in the middle of deep sleep. If I cry in the dream, I'm crying in my sleep. I can wake up some nights and find tears on my cheeks. I'm surprised I haven't woken someone else up with my crying.

Either way, I don't like this. It's surreal, being aware of your emotions and knowing that it's the dream causing the pain, but being unable to quench it. Worse still is waking with the emotions still raging around your mind. It's like waking in a bad mood, except you've gone towards a specific end of the scale (sadness, anger, happiness). It's like having your mind pulled in different directions.

As for the cause, it could be real life bleeding into my dreams. Whatever unsatisfied desires are kicking around in my unconscious during the day are thinking its acceptable to raid my dreams and emotionally attack my sleeping mind. Not cool.

The only foreseeable solution: sort out my life so that my mind stops screwing with me.

A Sunrise of Ashes

A Night-In With A Fan

This Is How You Remind Me

More Beans

The Bane of Job Searching

Misadventures with a Dog

The Perks of an Obsessive Personality

MERLIN RETURNS TO OUR SCREENS ON 6TH OCTOBER 2012!

Emotionally-Charged

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